On This Day 12.9.16

On This Day in 1862, Canada’s first coin club was formed when a man named Gord found a particularly round walnut.

On This Day in 1935, the first Heisman trophy was awarded to Jay Berwanger based solely on the strength of his last name.

On This Day in 1939, Quebec adopted a new coat of arms that included that round walnut from earlier.

On This Day 12.8.16

On This Day in 1909, the American Bird Banding Association was formed. It was made possible by the recent development of tiny instruments which could be played with feather hands.

On This Day in 1911, The San Francisco Symphone Orchestra gave its first concert. At the time, the orchestra was 40 triangles and one dented french horn.

On This Day in 1962, nine N.Y.C Newspapers shut down when International Typographical Union Workers went on strike, as depicted in the Disney musical film “Typies” starring Christian Bale and that fuckin hobbit.

On This Day 12.7.16

On This Day in 1898, The first Christmas postage stamp was released in Canada. The image on the stamp? I Can’t Go For That by Hall and Oates.

On This Day in 1907, Christmas Seals sold for the first time. They’re just like regular seals, but they eat tinsel covered fish exclusively.

On This Day in 1977, Gordie Howe became the first professional hockey player to score 1000 goals. He did it all in one game.

On This Day 12.6.16

On This Day in 1873, the first international football game was played when a German Shepard and a Scottish terrier fought over a deflated football. The terrier won in overtime.
On This Day in 1947, President Truman dedicated the Everglades National Park in Florida. He dedicated it to absolute human madness and never looked back.
On This Day in 1964, The Burl Ives narrated holiday classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer premiered.
Hermey the elf went on to have the largest dental practice in the tri-state area.
Mrs. Claus went on to transmogrify lead into gold, just as prophesied.
Yukon Cornelius discovered that the real treasure was friendship. Clarice and Rudolph married in an elaborate ceremony, which Santa paid for.
The Bumble went on to star in such movies as Argo, The Hangover 2 and Bounce.
King Moonracer turned out to be a shared fever dream.
Comet developed a drinking problem and went on to act on Broadway, briefly taking on the role of Charles Lee in Hamilton.
Santa took a year off, but then returned to present delivery and joy spreading.

On This Day 12.5.16

On This Day in 1929, the American League for Physical Culture was formed. They would go on to major fame in 1981 by releasing the song “Don’t You Want Me.”

On This Day in 1968, The Rolling Stones celebrated the release of Beggars Banquet with a custard pie fight at London’s Kensington Gore Hotel, those naughty rockers.

On This Day in 2012, Electric eels lit a Christmas tree at the Living Planet Aquarium in Sandy, Utah. A little known fact, all Christmas lights are simply various sized electric eels.

On This Day 12.2.16

On This Day in 1804, Napoleon Bonaparte was crowned French Emperor Napoleon I of France. He insisted on standing on a stool for the ceremony, despite being well over 12 feet tall.

On This Day in 1919, Ambrose Small sold Canadian chain of theaters and disappeared the next day, which sounds like complete gibberish, but is completely true.

On This Day in 1952, The first televised human birth was transmitted on 49 NBC network stations. Viewers called it “a miracle” and “gross.”

On This Day in 1970, The United States Environmental Protection Agency began operation, much to the chagrin of The Ghostbusters.

On This Day in 1974, Cowhide-made baseballs were first accepted for use by Major League Baseball. When asked, cows were quoted as saying “Fuckin, really? C’mon, why?”

On This Day 12.1.16

On This Day in 1831, New York’s Erie Canal was closed due to a fight between Batman and The Joker. The Dark Knight won by freezing the canal solid.

On This Day in 1913, the first drive-in gasoline service station opened in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. They were notable for serving coleslaw and french fries ON the gasoline.

On This Day in 1940, Dupree Gardens opened, Land O’ Lakes, Florida. The gardens were 4,050 Square Feet and carved out of puuuuure Floridian butter.

On This Day in 1977, Brad Delson, the guitarist of Linkin Park, was born. I had considered copying and pasting his entire Wikipedia page, but I wont do that. Both because I love you and because it is surprisingly long.

On This Day 11.30.16

On This Day in 1835, Mark Twain was born. He is most notable for having briefly visited the USS Enterprise on Stardate 46001.3

On This Day in 1940, Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz were married. The ceremony was held in Shea Stadium with Stan Lee officiating.

On This Day in 1952, The Lord combined equal parts Wimsey, Magic and Unearthly Talent and thus, Mandy Patinkin was born.

On This Day in 1954, a Meteorite hit Ann Hodges in her home in Sylacauga, Alabama. The fight lasted 3 days, with Ann winning by TKO in the 45th round.

On This Day 11.29.16

Today is Electronic Greeting Day, so send an email just like every other goddamn day.

On This Day in 1961, Enos became the first chimp to orbit Earth. Upon reaching space, he looked down upon the glory of all God’s creation, and typed up the screenplay for Plant Of The Apes.

On This Day in 1964, English was used for the first time during a U.S. Catholic mass when a priest dropped that incense thing.

On This Day in 1972, Pong, a coin-operated video game, debuted. Now we have shit like Skyrim because life is a miracle.

On This Day in 1984, a Megamouth shark was caught off Catalina Island, California. The sharks mouth was actually quite small, but it just wouldn’t shut the fuck up.

On This Day 11.28.16

On This Day in 1520, Ferdinand Magellan, while wearing shoe inserts and traveling west from Spain, discovered what is now the Strait of Magellan.

On This Day in 1925, Grand Ole Opry made its radio debut. The first song played? I Can’t Go For That by Hall and Oates.

On This Day in 1959, the world decided we needed to use the phrase “That guy from that thing.” more, so Judd Nelson was born.

On This Day in 1974, John Lennon made a concert appearance at NYC’s Madison Square Garden. He played only one song: Maneater by Hall and Oates. He was such a rebel.